Friday, 14 October 2016

Chronicles of the Man from another Planet

excited to see Mars.
August 26
Met him 2 yrs ago.
Is 2 ft on longer side.
Hides behind same curtain, at same place, 6 times a day.
Shouts in full ๐ŸŒ• volume, from even at 2ft distance, "meko KHOJO !!"
still gets super EXCITED when I pretend to find him!!???!!
me ( to myself): what creature is this?????

Met him 2 yrs ago.
Is 2 ft on longer side.
doesn't know how to speak properly. But CRAFTS imaginary situations to suit his needs.
11:30am, Kids are in school. Play area of our residential campus is empty. Not a single kid is in sight.
But narrates with convincing expressions and ๐ŸŒดpalm gestures :
"itaa-ney saare bachche aa gaye hain.. Isliye Ja ra hoon... Nai toh wo royenge na!!.."
Then confirms conclusively "...thik aye!!.."

#theManFromAnotherPlanet 3
Met him 2 yrs ago.
Is 2 ft on longer side.
When caught red handed -
shrinks staring eyes and smiles with ๐Ÿ˜œ tip of tongue stuck inside his upper lips.

#theManFromAnotherPlanet  4
Met him 2 yrs ago.
Is 2 ft on longer side
Holds a comb like a fly catcher. Thinks of himself to be MS Dhoni, and shouts - ".. billa, Meri taraf ball maaro! "
I frown and stare at him, from side of my eyes. In reaction, he copies the same, though with a smile. Comes closer to me and narrates with a casual ๐Ÿ˜mild laughter, ".. Tummm aa-dummy ho yaar!"
(that's a poor copy of my own expletive mentioned in hopelessness about him - "tum kya aadmi ho yaar")

#theManFromAnotherPlanet  5
Met him 2 yrs ago.
Is 2 ft on longer side.
Claims he is a ๐ŸŠ 'crukooodile' NOW. swims on his belly on the wooden floor.
Insists me to be crocodile too.
resolves water dispute like this -
1. "tum doosaa-re paani me jau.. Wahaan dekhoo.."
*doosaara paani = same wooden floor 2 planks across..
2."tum toh billa ho....thik aye "
(I am ๐Ÿ˜• puzzled.
Bcoz all of a sudden, I am no more a crukooodile;
and am also on my belly upon wooden floor. I don't know doing what??...the maid is approaching..)

#theManFromAnotherPlanet  6
Met him 2 yrs ago.
Is 2 ft on longer side.
Sticks entire length of his hands and 1 leg on Wall surface.
Tells: "i am a Lizard for SOMEtime"
confirms the name of lizard as Fiderman. [nonsense??Yes! period]
Thinks he can crawl up the wall.
(completely ignores that he himself has firmly kept, 1 of his legs, on the floor)

#theManFromAnotherPlanet 7
Met him 2 yrs ago.
Is 2 ft on longer side.

Staring at me, from down below. Sitting 3 ft away, on wooden floor, in his bizarre striped multicolour pajama and Chhota bheem T-shirt.
Legs spread in comfortable concave archs. Head tilted up. Both palms on his knees. Calm ๐Ÿ˜ถ and expressionless.

I notice him suddenly, from behind my laptop screen. Confused ๐Ÿ˜•, I call him.

No reaction!! Shoulders hung. Back bent to ease. Expressionless. Keeps staring.

Alarmed, I run to him with Concern! Hold his torso n pick him up in the air and next microsecond,....

he is fast ASLEEP.. .. SNORING ๐Ÿ˜ด!!

Met him 2 yrs ago.
Is 2 ft on longer side

sings, "BulaabO Oo Osss.. Oo Oss!!!"
..feels as RD Burman must be feeling while singing ๐ŸŽถ mehbooba from sholay.!!

"...jara Itala-laga do..."

raises his left ๐Ÿ™‹arm up in air, scratches arm pit, with right hand fingers. THINKS he is playing GUITAR ๐ŸŽธ ๐ŸŽธ....

"..Dhan tandang tandang..!!

Met him 2 yrs ago.
Is 2 ft on longer side

Hides below the laptop table, when nobody is looking for him.
Hits his head (bang!!!) to the bottom of table top.

Holds the injured head with ๐Ÿ˜œ 1 hand and stares at me. Is confused - will I scold him for this??? Or will I sympathies???
Quickly, thinks of an alternate.
Suddenly changes face expression. Turns &, points the 2.25cm long index finger, and.... scolds the Table Top ๐Ÿ” in full ๐ŸŒ• volume:

" KYONsss !!??!!"

Looks back ๐Ÿ”™ at me from corner of his eyes. Keeps his head stiff ; face tilted downwards. Returns and shouts again:

"TummmNe bamaaashi keee!!.." .....
.. mouth tight closed, lips stuck and arched up. Finger is still pointed, in the air.

Turns back to me, tries to keep his angry ๐Ÿ˜ก young man posture.

Fails miserably to hide the hint of smile . Gives up. Laughingly ๐Ÿ˜‚ seeks my appreciation -
"Mene usako Daant diya na..." then clarifies, "..table ne bamashi ki thee na..!!

#theManFromAnotherPlanet 10
Met him 2 yrs ago...
Is 2 ft on longer side..

Is a big fan of Cucumber...
(yesss! Cucumber!! of ALL things we provide!)

Is done with his lunch. When i'm going to have mine; Comes to me with an offer -
"...humma log dono Mil ke khayenge..thik aye!!"
(i have heard this before, but what trap is it this time?)
"tum lotee se kao... Me ungaali se khaoonga..thik aye!!"
Ok!! that way he excuses himself from chapati..
what next??

Plays back, what his mumma tells him -
"aik baar daal, ek baar ka-kaa-ree..thik aye!!"
Yeah!! that's the pt.

Extends his 1inch long index ☜ finger. Touches only 'SURFACE AIR ' of thick DAAL in the bowl. Touches the tongue.......
๐Ÿ˜œ..moves to the plate of cucumber.. And inserts 1 whole slice in his mouth, in 1 go..

somewhere, Midway of my lunch, we have finished all cucumber, without my consumption of a single slice..

PS: I know cucumber is 'KHEERA' not kakri...
They don't know it.

#theManFromAnotherPlanet 11
Met him 2 yrs ago...
Is 2 ft on longer side..

Stands below the Fan. Extends 1 feet long hand up in the air.
Grabs something invisible and puts in his mouth.

Me (!!astonished!!) : kya Kar rahe ho be??

Responds with all sincerety and pleasure ๐Ÿ˜ : "..HAWA khala hoon.."..
me: ๐Ÿ˜ฒ whaaa....aaaat!!??!! ๐Ÿ˜ฒ


#theManFromAnotherPlanet 12
Met him 2 yrs ago...
Is 2 ft on longer side...

Listens stories as ransom to let others SLEEP.
(this includes neighbours adjacent and at floor below.)

It's 1am. I am myself ๐Ÿ˜ด sleepy after reciting 12 stories. That's when he demands:
".. ab MODI ji ki stoli sunao..... MODI ji ki... "

me: where can I submit my SURRENDER papers??


#theManFromAnotherPlanet 13
Met him 2 yrs ago...
Is 2 ft on longer side...

Imitates push ups with legs up on his chair( 1feet high) and palms on floor.
Immediately exits the posture, at his whim and pleasingly assures:
"..abhi me chhota hoon na... Tab kaaroonga, Jab me itaana bara ho jaaoonga,... Jab meri MOOCH (Mustachios) aa jayegi na.. Tab karoonga... "

Me (to myself): who asked for his assurance?
Who requested him to oblige?? What is this?

#theManFromAnotherPlanet 14
met him 2 yrs ago..
Is 2ft on the longer side...

hanging his torso in front, over the gear box, from in between of car front seats.
says: "..mene tohsss... itani duniya Dekhi hai..!!"

Me, on non driver front seat, turn right (trying to understand his claim) and look at this creature, from over the upper rim of my specs ๐Ÿ‘“ :
"..kaise..!!??!!.... "

"..appani Eyes se.."
lifts 1 of his hand from shoulder of his b.arch qualified dietician, on ๐Ÿš˜ driving seat... and another from mine on his left.
Makes a jaw like gesture of his tablespoon size palms.
Sways his folded hands to n fro, around side window glasses :
: " mein Eshe Eshe dekata hoon na..!! "

with his inch long finger, points outside car window:
"woo deko ... ITana bara truk Ja ra he na!!"
"mene foresh me sher deka ta naa!! woh KHAAUN karke bola taa na!??.."

me: stare at him in silence, for a second.
short of oxygen, I inhale hard and turn to front, dragging my specs ๐Ÿ‘“ up my nose, ...

But he won't leave it at that.
Taps on my shoulder. I turn back to him.
Happy ๐Ÿ˜Š and with shrunk corner of his eyes,

:" Sai baat hena..!!"
#theManFromAnotherPlanet 15
met him 2 yrs ago
Is 2ft on the longer side

cupHolds my face, to focus my attention to his face ONLY...
and repeats for 75th time ".. .kuth dekhanna he...!!'
Me - sarcastically- "humko dekh lo..!!"

this has 100% success rate in not letting him watch cartoons.

hit badly with my conventional weopon, he Retreats from my territory (my lap).

I feel like - 'I eat my breakfast 300 yards from 4000 Cubans who are trained to kill me..'

BUT it's momentary!
within half a second, he comes back,...with revenge.
both hands in Air, says with all ferocity :
"..Bubile Mein... KUTH DEKKNA HE..!!..(clear?).."
snatches the phone. Leaves calmly.

We got our lessons-
Him - specifications matter..
Me - change is only constant..
I will upgrade myself..